I was greeted today with the usual morning text messages from the usual suspects. One of which is my cousin. I love her dearly; she told me she was watching a rerun of the doctor Oz show with Rosie O’Donnell on as the guest. She said “your mom needs to watch this episode; she is talking about being overweight”
My mother has been overweight, my whole life. She eats her feelings, has diabetes and complains when asked to do physical stuff. It’s frustrating to love her and see herself, selfishly digging her grave because she does not know any other way to make herself happy.
That being said I watch the program and Rosie talked on the show about how she knows a lot about why she knows what she does is wrong but still dose it anyway. “Cut to me, alone, with an Oreo.” It got me thinking about a conversation my mom and dad had just the day before that made my dad angry. My mom was beating the usual dead horse with the conversation about why she was, the way she was. It was about how she did not know how to cope with her dad’s alcoholism and her mother’s insanity and untimed abandonment. “I am just trying to understand it so I can move on and not be depressed.” “But you still are.” My Dad would say “This is the same crap you brought up 20 years ago when we were in consoling. Remember we spend a ton of money so we could get over these issues?” “If you still talking about it and your depressed over it, it’s all talk and you’re not over it, and that is why you can’t lose wait” “You can’t keep pointing the blame at your dead parents”
This got me thinking, hmm. Maybe I could help her and we can take a walk today to get lunch. So that is what I did. I told her we were going to lunch got her outside and said “we are walking” the groans stated but I insisted…(by telling her to “o Dear God, don’t start”) so we walked the 1 mile to the restaurant. It was a beautiful day! No one was out because the Bears game was on. It was a great way to enjoy the day and get some exercise.
When we got home however I sat down for just a second to turn the end of the football game on and she sat down also. She sat down though with a huge bowl of chocolate ice-cream. I was mad. I don’t get mad vary easy. Don’t get me wrong I love ice-cream! But come on. I just heard you complaining about how you are overweight and unhappy and I try to help, you complain about me helping you and then undo the thing we just did. I said “why are you eating that? We just went for a walk.” She said “because” I said “that is way too much, why did you take so much, you could have like ½ of that, that is so un healthy/” “Because I want it, ok.” She said. It was like a slap in the face. I was so angry I left, I did not say anything and I did not stand up for what I did as a gift of my time and self and I should have.
I told my cousin the same story. She understood why I was upset and clarified some things for me that I could not put my finger on.
“She is like a child, a 12 year old stuck in a 50 year old body, it’s like she will not let the little fat kid die.” This also got me thinking.
Yes it’s easier to sit around. But is it better? No. There is no growth there for me. There is no growth there for anyone I think. I want to fight for my life, because I have a very good bad example of how to lie down and surrender to the things that want to keep us down. The devils that keep us away a happy person we can be even in struggle. I like to say “hurts so good” when I am getting a good workout burn. My mother thinks that is just pain. I have been looking at and striving for personal growth ever since I needed to scrape my flat, fat and broken self off the floor of my soul and get to work making a new and better self. First it was moving on. Now it’s making the best person I can be, for no one but me and my God!.
After all this I needed a mental break. That means Tumblr dash trash! Bo yeah! Right away I saw a quote and sent it to my cousin. It was so perfect just want I needed to hear and see. Halleluiah!
It went like this
~ “Plant your own Garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” ~ Veronica a. Shoffstall, (After a While)
My mom sits and waits for people to bring her flowers. And they will never come.
I will NOT be like that
I hope this inspired you. I can’t help you tend your garden but I can give you seeds that worked in mine. I will also tell you how beautiful your garden is because of all your hard work and love.